You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
