One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
