I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
