Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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