Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
