Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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