If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she peed on how many people?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
