you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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