I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
