Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
