I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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