I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
