Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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