Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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