Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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