it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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