i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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