my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
