woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
