The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
two words...techno handjob
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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