Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
