i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
