I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
