Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
