yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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