I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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