I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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