Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
