He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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