I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
