I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
