i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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