My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
