I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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