i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
