I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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