Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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