My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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