he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
