I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
