my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
not ubering you a puppy
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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