i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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