It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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