We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
