I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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