The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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