hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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