I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
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