Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
