how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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