Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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