thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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