First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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