You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
