Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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