Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
