did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
